If you’re mad and you know it: Helping children to understand and cope with feelings
By Allison D. Hurwitz, LPC, LSW, MSW, MA,ATR
Helping children to understand and cope with their feelings can be confusing and frustrating for parents. In my work with children and families, one of the first messages that I try to convey is that all feelings are okay but it’s HOW we express our feelings can make a big difference. I believe it is important for children to understand that everyone has many different kinds of feelings--sadness, happiness, anger, loneliness, disappointment, fear, worry, guilt, jealousy, etc.—and that all of these feelings are perfectly normal and natural.
In children, difficulties in understanding and coping with feelings are expressed in a variety of ways. While some kids express their anger through physical aggression and yelling, other kids have trouble expressing angry feelings directly, which can result in frequent stomach aches, nausea, and/or headaches. Some kids worry so much that it interferes with school, recreational activities, friendships and even basic life activities. As a result of worrying a lot, kids may feel dizzy and light-headed or develop aches and pains. Other kids act as if they are angry when they are feeling sad, lonely, afraid or embarrassed because being angry feels powerful while these other emotions make them feel “weak”. Some kids will only cry in private because they don’t feel comfortable sharing feelings of sadness or vulnerability. Still other kids will blame themselves when bad things happen because this is less scary than feeling powerless in the face of things that are outside of their control such as illness, going to a new school, death, or divorce.
There are a number of things that parents can do to help their children understand and cope with different feelings. These include:
· Acknowledging and validating your child’s feelings
· Separating feelings from behavior
· Sharing your own feelings
· Identifying strategies to help cope with different feelings
· Modeling the use of positive coping strategies.
Acknowledgement and validation of Feelings:
‘Acknowledgement’ involves giving a name to what your child seems to be feeling. For example, if your child says, “We played basketball in gym today and I couldn’t even make one basket,” a way to acknowledge her feelings might be, “That sounds really frustrating.” Acknowledging children’s feelings on a regular basis teaches them to identify feelings for themselves. This is important because before children can develop strategies to cope with feelings, they need to be able to identify how they are feeling.
‘Validation’ of feelings involves letting your child know that it is o.k. to feel as he does and that you understand why he might be feeling this way. An example of validation is, “I understand that it made you feel angry when your sister knocked over your block tower. You worked hard on it and now it’s broken.” As a result of having their feelings acknowledged and validated by their parents, children feel understood and relieved; this frees them up to find more adaptive ways of coping with their feelings and to find solutions to problems.
Separating feelings from behavior:
Parents sometimes feel uncomfortable validating certain feelings, such as anger, because they are afraid that their child will interpret this as a free pass to behave however they want. But accepting your child’s feelings does not necessarily mean that you accept their behavior. It is important to distinguish between supporting your child’s feelings and supporting how they choose to express those feelings. To continue with the example of a younger sibling destroying an older sibling’s block tower, a parent might say, “I know it must be really frustrating when your sister breaks something that you’ve worked hard on. I’d be angry and upset too. But in this house, we do not hit. When you’re angry, it’s okay to hit a pillow, pound clay or draw a picture but it’s not okay to hit your sister.”
Once your child has calmed down, you can offer to help him rebuild his tower or create something new together--- and perhaps move either your younger child or the construction site out of harm’s way. It is also important to have children apologize to one another, as this promotes empathy and taking responsibility for one’s actions. If one of the children involved is too young to speak, you might need to ‘speak’ to your older child on that child’s behalf saying something like, “I think that when your sister saw the cool tower that you were building, she got curious and came over to see what you were doing. I don’t think that she knocked over the blocks on purpose but because she’s only one, she doesn’t realize that when she grabs one block the whole tower will fall over.
Sharing your own feelings:
One of the best ways that parents can help children to understand and cope with their feelings is to share their own feelings with them in an age appropriate way. Typically, children are more comfortable sharing feelings when they know that they are not the only ones who feel this way. Hearing that mom and dad also feel sad, jealous, angry and worried helps children to better accept these feelings in themselves.
To facilitate the sharing of emotions, it can be helpful to focus on one emotion at a time and have parents and children take turns sharing what situations make each of them feel this way. It doesn’t matter which emotion you begin with but it is important to try and address a variety of emotions at different times. Sometimes it is easiest to start by talking about what makes each of you happy as happiness is the feeling that people typically feel most comfortable discussing. Besides being one of the more pleasurable emotions, happiness is important because it lets us know what we enjoy and what feels good to us. In addition, thinking about things that make us happy or remembering happy memories can be used to cope with more painful or difficult feelings.
You might start the conversation by letting your child know that you’d like to talk about things that make each of you happy. A fun way to do this is to pass a favorite stuffed animal back and forth between you and whoever is holding the stuffed animal will share something that makes him or her happy. When you are finished sharing, you can each draw pictures of yourselves doing something that makes you happy as well as pictures showing what you look like when you feel happy. This approach can be used to explore other feelings as well.
Another helpful way to explore feelings with your child is reading a book about feelings together. Some good ones include: The Way I Feel by Janan Cain, The Feelings Book by Todd Parr, When I’m Angry by Jane Aaron, Today I Feel Silly: and Other Moods That Make My Dayby Jamie Lee Curtis, and When I’m Sad by Jane Aaron. As you go along or after you finish the book, you can ask your child questions that relate to the story. For example, you can ask your child if he or she ever feel like the characters in the story. It is also helpful to tell your child about times in your own life when you felt the way that the characters in the story felt and what you did to cope with these feelings.
Identifying coping strategies:
Another important step in teaching children to cope with feelings is identifying different strategies to help deal with feelings. Some coping strategies, such as drawing a picture or jumping rope, might help kids deal with a variety of feelings while other strategies will be most appropriate to a specific situation. Since different strategies work for different people, it is helpful to brainstorm with your child and write down different things that can help her when she is feeling angry, sad, etc. Some suggestions include:
· Drawing a picture of your feelings
· Tearing up old newspaper
· Walking or running fast
· Listening to music
· Talking to someone about how you feel
· Throwing a stuffed animal against the wall
· Punching a pillow
· Writing down how you feel
· Popping bubble wrap
· Coming up with ideas to change the situation that caused the feeling, such as building with blocks on a table that is too high for a younger sibling to reach
Modeling the use of positive coping strategies:
One of the main ways that children learn is through observation and parents are the ones whom they observe most closely. Modeling positive ways to cope with different feelings does not require parents to respond perfectly in every situation. Rather, it means that parents can use their own behavior and coping strategies as examples of both positive and not-so-positive ways to deal with emotions. Sharing our mistakes with our children communicates that it is okay to make mistakes and that making mistakes can be a great way to learn for people of all ages. While it definitely requires effort to help children understand and cope with their feelings, it can improve and enrich both of your lives in the long run.
_________________________________________________________________________
--This article appeared on the Princetonkids.org website in July 2007 and February 2008.
By Allison D. Hurwitz, LPC, LSW, MSW, MA,ATR
Helping children to understand and cope with their feelings can be confusing and frustrating for parents. In my work with children and families, one of the first messages that I try to convey is that all feelings are okay but it’s HOW we express our feelings can make a big difference. I believe it is important for children to understand that everyone has many different kinds of feelings--sadness, happiness, anger, loneliness, disappointment, fear, worry, guilt, jealousy, etc.—and that all of these feelings are perfectly normal and natural.
In children, difficulties in understanding and coping with feelings are expressed in a variety of ways. While some kids express their anger through physical aggression and yelling, other kids have trouble expressing angry feelings directly, which can result in frequent stomach aches, nausea, and/or headaches. Some kids worry so much that it interferes with school, recreational activities, friendships and even basic life activities. As a result of worrying a lot, kids may feel dizzy and light-headed or develop aches and pains. Other kids act as if they are angry when they are feeling sad, lonely, afraid or embarrassed because being angry feels powerful while these other emotions make them feel “weak”. Some kids will only cry in private because they don’t feel comfortable sharing feelings of sadness or vulnerability. Still other kids will blame themselves when bad things happen because this is less scary than feeling powerless in the face of things that are outside of their control such as illness, going to a new school, death, or divorce.
There are a number of things that parents can do to help their children understand and cope with different feelings. These include:
· Acknowledging and validating your child’s feelings
· Separating feelings from behavior
· Sharing your own feelings
· Identifying strategies to help cope with different feelings
· Modeling the use of positive coping strategies.
Acknowledgement and validation of Feelings:
‘Acknowledgement’ involves giving a name to what your child seems to be feeling. For example, if your child says, “We played basketball in gym today and I couldn’t even make one basket,” a way to acknowledge her feelings might be, “That sounds really frustrating.” Acknowledging children’s feelings on a regular basis teaches them to identify feelings for themselves. This is important because before children can develop strategies to cope with feelings, they need to be able to identify how they are feeling.
‘Validation’ of feelings involves letting your child know that it is o.k. to feel as he does and that you understand why he might be feeling this way. An example of validation is, “I understand that it made you feel angry when your sister knocked over your block tower. You worked hard on it and now it’s broken.” As a result of having their feelings acknowledged and validated by their parents, children feel understood and relieved; this frees them up to find more adaptive ways of coping with their feelings and to find solutions to problems.
Separating feelings from behavior:
Parents sometimes feel uncomfortable validating certain feelings, such as anger, because they are afraid that their child will interpret this as a free pass to behave however they want. But accepting your child’s feelings does not necessarily mean that you accept their behavior. It is important to distinguish between supporting your child’s feelings and supporting how they choose to express those feelings. To continue with the example of a younger sibling destroying an older sibling’s block tower, a parent might say, “I know it must be really frustrating when your sister breaks something that you’ve worked hard on. I’d be angry and upset too. But in this house, we do not hit. When you’re angry, it’s okay to hit a pillow, pound clay or draw a picture but it’s not okay to hit your sister.”
Once your child has calmed down, you can offer to help him rebuild his tower or create something new together--- and perhaps move either your younger child or the construction site out of harm’s way. It is also important to have children apologize to one another, as this promotes empathy and taking responsibility for one’s actions. If one of the children involved is too young to speak, you might need to ‘speak’ to your older child on that child’s behalf saying something like, “I think that when your sister saw the cool tower that you were building, she got curious and came over to see what you were doing. I don’t think that she knocked over the blocks on purpose but because she’s only one, she doesn’t realize that when she grabs one block the whole tower will fall over.
Sharing your own feelings:
One of the best ways that parents can help children to understand and cope with their feelings is to share their own feelings with them in an age appropriate way. Typically, children are more comfortable sharing feelings when they know that they are not the only ones who feel this way. Hearing that mom and dad also feel sad, jealous, angry and worried helps children to better accept these feelings in themselves.
To facilitate the sharing of emotions, it can be helpful to focus on one emotion at a time and have parents and children take turns sharing what situations make each of them feel this way. It doesn’t matter which emotion you begin with but it is important to try and address a variety of emotions at different times. Sometimes it is easiest to start by talking about what makes each of you happy as happiness is the feeling that people typically feel most comfortable discussing. Besides being one of the more pleasurable emotions, happiness is important because it lets us know what we enjoy and what feels good to us. In addition, thinking about things that make us happy or remembering happy memories can be used to cope with more painful or difficult feelings.
You might start the conversation by letting your child know that you’d like to talk about things that make each of you happy. A fun way to do this is to pass a favorite stuffed animal back and forth between you and whoever is holding the stuffed animal will share something that makes him or her happy. When you are finished sharing, you can each draw pictures of yourselves doing something that makes you happy as well as pictures showing what you look like when you feel happy. This approach can be used to explore other feelings as well.
Another helpful way to explore feelings with your child is reading a book about feelings together. Some good ones include: The Way I Feel by Janan Cain, The Feelings Book by Todd Parr, When I’m Angry by Jane Aaron, Today I Feel Silly: and Other Moods That Make My Dayby Jamie Lee Curtis, and When I’m Sad by Jane Aaron. As you go along or after you finish the book, you can ask your child questions that relate to the story. For example, you can ask your child if he or she ever feel like the characters in the story. It is also helpful to tell your child about times in your own life when you felt the way that the characters in the story felt and what you did to cope with these feelings.
Identifying coping strategies:
Another important step in teaching children to cope with feelings is identifying different strategies to help deal with feelings. Some coping strategies, such as drawing a picture or jumping rope, might help kids deal with a variety of feelings while other strategies will be most appropriate to a specific situation. Since different strategies work for different people, it is helpful to brainstorm with your child and write down different things that can help her when she is feeling angry, sad, etc. Some suggestions include:
· Drawing a picture of your feelings
· Tearing up old newspaper
· Walking or running fast
· Listening to music
· Talking to someone about how you feel
· Throwing a stuffed animal against the wall
· Punching a pillow
· Writing down how you feel
· Popping bubble wrap
· Coming up with ideas to change the situation that caused the feeling, such as building with blocks on a table that is too high for a younger sibling to reach
Modeling the use of positive coping strategies:
One of the main ways that children learn is through observation and parents are the ones whom they observe most closely. Modeling positive ways to cope with different feelings does not require parents to respond perfectly in every situation. Rather, it means that parents can use their own behavior and coping strategies as examples of both positive and not-so-positive ways to deal with emotions. Sharing our mistakes with our children communicates that it is okay to make mistakes and that making mistakes can be a great way to learn for people of all ages. While it definitely requires effort to help children understand and cope with their feelings, it can improve and enrich both of your lives in the long run.
_________________________________________________________________________
--This article appeared on the Princetonkids.org website in July 2007 and February 2008.
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